November Darkens the Mind and Heart...

Today's my first day back to teaching classes at Kita after almost a week away. I've realized that as much as I love this job, the social situation here is... limited. I think I'm really starting to miss home. There's a very strong streak of homesickness rising in my subconscious here as I while away the days to my flight home. It's not that I'm not busy, and not that I'm not interested in what I've been doing, it's just that I'm having trouble feeling like I fit. I've never really fit anywhere, but here most of the folks I meet have little stake in anything and only connect in the most superficial way. I guess I'm a little tired of feeling alienated and would like a little break from it. I sometimes wonder if my Japanese was better if I'd still feel the same way. Hard to say really. It's probably all cultural exhaustion. I still step on people's toes even though I've been trying to be polite and go along with the culturally important things. It's really frustrating.
Don't get me wrong, I do love being here. There are lots of fantastic people I've met and the kids are just super! I get to teach at Seishin twice a month, which means I get to play with elementary school kids for a day every second week. Yesterday they had made me a really cute pamphlet about Matsue. There was the Matsue song hand written on it and everything and it brought tears to my eyes. I guess I was just really missing honest expression of feeling. The kids haven't learned all the subterfuge of Japanese society yet, and maybe, given their special needs, they never will. As such, the teachers that work with these kids are much more relaxed about it too. I really love visiting that school. I practically squirm with anticipation. Which I have to admit is a really strange feeling. It's like one of the only things I really look forward to with excitement.
Anyway, my mind's pretty tired right now. I had a bit of a rough night and got to Kita a bit late this morning. A few cups of coffee and I should be alright. I was probably just freezing all night, but sleeping too heavily to wake up and do something about it. Getting out of bed this morning was brutal. It was 13 degrees in my apartment, and although that's lots warmer than my room when I was growing up in Lucknow during the winter, coupled with all the other pressures, it becomes quite difficult. I'm a little ashamed of it, but shikatta ga nai. So, I'm off to teach the young keeners again... more later. Hopefully.